sunshine

Stitched

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This past year has really stretched me.
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I experienced a lot of negative things for the first time in my life.
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I grew up in a safe little bubble. In a little town and a happy family. I had never really seen true selfishness or bitterness up close before. I knew it existed, but it never touched me.
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My life became so intertwined in the selfishness and bitterness of the world that it took hold of my heart and gripped my soul. I felt it drain me, I lost my will to do a lot of things that I loved. I lost a lot of motivation. I kept everyone at arm’s length.
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I pushed my friends away. I didn’t want to let them close enough to see this sadness that had taken root in me. I didn’t want them to see I was broken. I thought I could fix myself.
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I pushed God away. I felt ashamed, believing outrageous things about myself and my life.
You are a burden to those around you. You can’t do anything right. Why are you so lazy? Nothing you do is good enough. No one really likes you, they all know you’ll fail.
I had become friends with the lies that hurt me. I allowed them to be my comfort, my identity.
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I stopped writing. I stopped sketching. I stopped painting and taking pictures. I stopped making things with my own two hands. I stopped making plans, I stopped going places. I closed myself off from everything that lightened my spirit.
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I felt myself becoming less and less of myself, sinking so deep that I eventually didn’t even know who I was. I would look back at my carefree childhood and wonder if life would ever be that happy again.
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I have since removed myself from the negativity. I have torn the bitterness out of my heart and untangled the sadness from my soul.
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It hurt. And it was hard.
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It left gaping wounds inside of me that I was afraid would never heal. I was terrified that I would bleed forever, that I would never be made whole.
But in emptying myself of the hostility, I allowed room for the ultimate Healer.
He came and dwelled in the craters of my damaged heart.
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And He began to stitch.
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He took His time, every stitch uniform, no cut overlooked. He paid attention to every detail of my brokenness.
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And it hurt.
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But in the hurt, amongst the pain, I began to see hope. I would cry, but the tears were healing. As they cleansed the past away, I felt my soul being made new.
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With each stitch, I became more myself. My smiles felt lighter, my laughs came easier.
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And slowly, ever so slowly, I found myself letting go of shame and sorrow.
I found myself looking people in the eye without having to remind myself.
I caught myself singing and humming without realizing.
My posture straightened, my steps lightened.
I could joke easier, poke fun at myself.
I was no longer in constant need of distraction.
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I could look myself in the mirror and acknowledge my own beauty and talent.
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So here I am now. Changed and grateful.
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After a year of not-so-great, I’m proud to say that I’m better-than-great.
Not every day is perfect and some days are easier than others.
God’s not finished with me, I know I have a long way to go, but how beautiful is that?
He works tirelessly with us.
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He is the greatest Author, Sculptor, and Painter. He is the God of Creativity. He is everything strong and everything gentle.
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Thank you, Lord for Your Majesty. Let us never stop recognizing Your Glory.
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And keep stitching our hearts.
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Here’s to new life and new joys!


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